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whenever am i to learn how to keep my mouth shut  
05:35pm 15/02/2012

So, after one of the most perfect valentine days of my life, obviously focused on my wonderful Ellie, in which i wrote what must have been the most honest letter ive ever written,  Crim and i had this  conversation about ourselves, in which he showed me a video he made using some pictures  of us, and..one of Her songs.. A song he knows i like... a song he knows i cant ignore. a song he knows what effect has on me...a song that was NOT OUR song.... so i tried to keep calm and tell him he should have used our old anthem.... and i wouldve liked more. And he sung the anthem... and we talked our hearts out... again... and i felt like those good old days in which we could share anything. And somehow i noticed it... he was actuallly doing what she loved him to do.... he was serenading me... trying to pull the chains she put on me. Same as sunday. There he was... there we were, playing another tug o' war about her. or thats what i thought, until he blatantly said the words. He said "You are mine".

And i felt as uncomfortable as i could ever..... and i tried to tell him off that idea... And i told him i was not an object.. and a i hated him a little for an instant. And he said he didnt mean that and said it again.... and i gave him a speech about how things come to an end, and that even wwhen i would never want him out of my life, or eveen of OUR lives (Hers and mine) and that i would never deny he was a very meaningful part of it, Yet i didnt consider myself his.... not now.... not anymore... . 
We talked a lot, about how things were now, and he mentioned things so unprobable i really had to try hard not to be mean. And finally he said that he would move aside for her and me to be together.  
And he also said that whenever i needd him, hed be there for the both of us..... such an awesome footprint to leave, my wolf friend....

Yet.... somewhere in the middle  something went wrong.... Today her and i we were talking.. and i told her i needed some sleep because i had been talking to him late night, and i told her about the video gesture and the song....


And i could feel her tear in my soul.... and she got so mad she was gone in a blink.. and i wont be able to know if she's all right till tomorrow... She left angry because of my stupidity, and i pretty much suspect shes gonna take it out on him. and even when somehow i know that bloodthirst running and poisoning the soul whe you find out somebody is trying to tear you apart fom that special person... even when somehow i wish she could understand how i felt when she told me i was in a disadvantage below him,
( and i hated him for it, not being able to get mad at her) Even when i begged her not to shove those horrible words at me again, I never meant to hurt her.... Even when i somehow hope she understands the feeling, i never meant her to suffer, or even less, cry.  I never meant to make her mad at her "father".... i only wanted to reassure her how i felt for her, and i hurt her..... and for that, i might pay a high price.... maybe even higher than ive ever feared.... 

Whenever will i learn to shut the fuck up?.

location: Mexico, Mexico
mood: anxiousanxious
music: Hurt ( Cover by Eddie Vedder)
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  February 15th, 2012
February 15th, 2012
February 2012  

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